Sheer disappointment

i loss again... another bronze finish, in other word, failure. To be very honest, i thought i had win it... But clearly, referees might had see what i could not... The moment the arm of the referee raised towards the opposition, my heart sunk deep into no where... I was stunned. Walking dejectedly away, i was lost in the crowd. I knew i had loss but somehow i had no facial expression besides shock. I dared not to look to Sir Tan...surely, i had disappoint him yet again....Walking past him, who was being a judge, and was the one in charge of this ring.... He must be ashamed to have me as his student. My friends were, as usual, dared not to speak to me since they knew i might be in a moody mode... Yet one of the recent promoted black belt said...'You're so different today than normally u perform in center'. A hot, prickly feeling of shame spread from the top of the me all the way down my body.... Did i just embarrassed myself out there? Did i really....performed unlike-usual standard? Even my sister did not say anything when she saw me...nothing but a sigh... Such sheer disappointment, such cold disappointment were far worse than anything... Then, my right leg seemed to be in pain...I looked at it, impossible...how can i loss....and how can i... not feeling sad? Was i? From the very moment of the result....disgusted of my frequently failures...and had already gave up on myself? But still, nothing can compared to this loss... Reason? that was simple.... He wasn't really that good at all...however, given that i had loss to him, i really should just shut up then... It always easy to do the talking...

Excited!!! I cry....

Ohhh well, i know i wrote a post..maybe several hours ago...but this post isn't a desperate post though...i'm now in a mixed feeling.... I am going to face my fight...my sparring...my test...my belief...my promise...my hatred...my happiness of taekwondo...everything!!! Sitting here now in my room, i couldn't help but thinking of all the possible outcome for tomorrow. I know this wild imagination will continue the whole night, and that i will ended in a sleepless night.... It always happen to me anyway... before the starting of something that mean a lot to me. This means a lot to me, i had go through few weeks, if not months of training just for today... yeah not kidding...months!!! I went to gym just to strengthen my arms and legs for different purposes. Arms to be able to endure any strong kicks from the oppositions.... Legs, so to strike the opponents, to hunt them down... I am playing catching up all the times in my life...from piano to swimming to basketball, football and then taekwondo... And i really have to make up for my life... Hating to be the one catching up, hating to see myself being led by others.... I always wanted to win!!! That is Caesar!!! Chen Caesar!!!! Last year in the championship, i was too naive to think that i can win...just because i was better than others in my school... I got whacked the whole match... my both arms were blue-blacked. This time, i want to make up for my own stupidity, my own arrogance, my own....pride.... I would not know what will happen tomorrow, i might lose... and once again getting the embarrassing bronze.... but this time...i try...i really try....dad... the very first time i train real hard...suffered lots of pain and tough training.... to win.... I will protect mum... without any harm for sure.... even though i never really put my heart into study, my heart is with taekwondo.... just to protect my beloved one... everyone, from my friends to my family...especially my parents.... I'm fat once, and i hurt so many people back in the past.... now i am skinny, but even so, i would not let anyone to harm my loved one....not again... The memories of my mum got robbed in front of my eyes...once...twice...thrice had make me one that savage to fight!!! to savage sparring sessions.... to wanting to learn everything i can use to protect.... I am a total failure for not being able to help lessen the fear and pain my mum and sis endure back in the past.... now it is already few years past.... I will give back what i learned in all this years.... Protect everyone....that is my promise to my dad....a lifetime promise...

Icy cool

Today i went to Chung Hwa school for taekwondo training as usual. Well, i didn't wear the usual taekwondo uniform, instead i wore a black, flexible long pants and a Hin Hua T-shirt;so that i can wear the formal uniform tomorrow. In training, i was training lightly and did not put too much of efforts into it since i knew yesterday my thigh already paining; i just can't made it worse. Still, in the middle of training, I can't helped but to stop the training due to my seemingly injured thighs...Though i resume the training after then... I still had to endure the pain of the thigh as long as i used full kick, damn!!! Today Sir Tan also warned that i should take full concern of my patterns instead of just sparring because my taekwondo exam is just around the corner. For those who do not know what the 'pattern' means.... allow me to explain. It is simply a set of sequences and types of kicks and blocks. Haiz... i was really depressed when Sir said that, soon after, i hardly smiled at all, even a words out of me was a rare case since. All other friends knew that i was clearly not in the mood, only one did speak to me at that time;brave enough i would say. Thigh pain is something i will have to overcome if i am to be crowned... I thought that with most seniors out of the championships, i will have greater chances of winning a gold...Can't really believe that the possible way i might lose...is my own legs...I don't care..of myself....I will do it!!! Even if i will have to limp out of the Rasnah school ( venue of championship ) or suffer serious thigh injury... or have difficulty of walking afterward.... i don't really mind at the moment.... well just let me regret it once i get my gold medal.... I want it so much...Its significance is just....as much as my own pair of legs!!! And i am ready to sacrifice it for good.....Gold-or-failure mission!!!

Future Action Stars?

Today we were having some good time together in the center. I was really relieved to hear that most senior will be the referees and not participating in the National Sparring Championship. This boosted my confidence to win the gold medal. Not only that, well, recently i was in a fantasy mood, my morale was greatly boosted by all my friends' best wishes.... for their sake, and you...I will try my best...even with my thigh injury that seemed to trouble me much for the whole center training tonight... I will fight until the end... Oh yeah..today before the end of the training... we were looking at how the seniors trained to be a 'good' referees... haha, the 2 fighters acted to foul continuously, so that the 'referee' could made the call, that was how they trained, damn funny. The 2 fighters mostly punched each other ( well, of course just acting la, not real fight ).... few even fought until they feigned unconsciousness, there were some rare cases that clearly imitated the scene in this year's China Olympics; the fighter hit the referees...haha, anyway, i learned today what the referees would penalize. This would served a good informations, and also clearing out my doubt of some scenario in a sparring duel. Finally, again i thanked those who support me before Sunday's Sparring Championships, I will try my best!!!!

Creative writing Done!!!

Yeah today for the creative writing, i had managed to finish the essay. This will means that for tomorrow, basically i will just check for some error that i can find. Or maybe just sleep lo... i have a feeling that i will feel sleepy that time. Aaaarrrggghhh... i know i'm not really study much, but i think i had limited time for everything. For sparring championship, for friends and for someone else... Anyway, i really have to start working hard to get the result i desired for the trial. It is just like a do-or-die mission.

Following my feeling

Today we needed to do the creative writing for ESL. I was quite anxious to know what could be the topic... I prepared myself all the quotation i thinking that could be useful for Hills Like White Elephant. But after i got the topics.... I knew i would only did that one. That topic was what is your reaction if you were Juno's boyfriend, and Juno was pregnant because of other guy. I wondered why i had such feeling that it attracted my attention much. And so, i took the risk and used that topic despite of my lack of preparation for the story. Somehow i thought i might just be able to be in the same mind as the bleeker...Juno's boyfriend....and so it might be interesting this way....

Tired...close to worn out

This was my second consercutive day sleeping at 11 and waking up at 3 to do my revision for the chemistry. I was tired...and my legs...felt just alright, though it seemed to me that i have to be careful of my upcoming evening gym training later...Knowing that an injury strike me at this time would eventually rule me out of the sparring championship....or at least...further minimise my chance of getting the gold medal. Just hope i get a nice draw for the championship. Today the chemistry was really making me mad...i had read so many times the notes...memorising most important procedures..and it ended up not coming out at all for the famous aluminium, zinc and iron long procedure. Haiz.... Tomorrow i will have to do creative writting for the English. The short stories chosen were Juno or the White Elephant, I don't really like to write on any of those.... that doesn't mean i don't like the story though.... For me, the White Elephant wasn't that bad at all....kkk i got to rush for train now...Bye

Facing the mirror...the truth

Rushing back to my house, there was nothing i can do.... Pressure rising and seriously i took all the blame as i should! I knew it was all my fault, Laziness took over me from the start of the year, yet i was constantly confidence-boost, always believed in myself....knowing i can do better next time! But is that the case? It is now going to September, i am running out of time, and the worse come to worse....little by little, my confidence is teared into pieces. Everything... starting from taekwondo... all in a sudden, i lost my confidence offensively...too many mistakes and lack of confidence when attacking. Then, comes to the result of my math common test 3.... I will tell the truth, i only managed 8 out of 45. Laugh out loud!!! i know you all just can't resist it...And stop being hypocrite that when asking me about the result of it, acting to be sad and then laugh like a mad dog barking over every cat and dog passing by....when they know of my result. Limit...I have one,...self pride...ego i have it all.... but now i am throwing it all away. I know nothing, and i have nothing...nothing understand?! I hate my past....and possibly my future. Now i have mixed feelings...I can't really trust anyone to the full extent at all... i doubt everyone...even myself now! What am i made of... After having a short but beneficial conversation, i understood that nothing came as free. You just have to work for it, fight for it... although sometimes people just look at you from different perspective and scold you for that....Lastly, forgive me not being able to trust you 100% yet....the painful memory of my best friend betraying me is always fresh in my mind.... I have little memory of whether or not i told u about this...what ever it is... even though i do not mention about it...even though i said i would not mind of it....that is just my way of trying to show more confidence, more faith in you....hope you understand, and do not misunderstand my meaning.... I have no rights to stop your doing, nor do i have any to tell you what you should do....Just keep in mind that i am allowing you to edit my painful memory....and just hope i have made the correct decision, and instead of losing both....this time i can have both.....

我放不过我自己
转一圈回到了原地
眼泪是一种提醒
让一切残影归零

Tired legs

After a much hard-fought two-day-training, my legs had started to feel tired. My legs' muscles had felt pain, and although i still managed to go through the last training today as well as the badminton games with my family....My legs did not show any good sign at all as most of the time, it hurt me after i made few steps of walk. In the last training, Master Tan had noticed my high fatigue level...after i constantly loss my balance when i needed to do a back swing, my standing leg always bent and could not straighten up when doing the kick. And he did warned me to not forced myself too much, as sometimes even though mentally i might felt very excited to attend the training, but i had to take care of myself physically as well.... Well... i thought i did...after missing the Saturday morning gym training and the Friday center training to allow myself to rest my legs, perhaps it was not enough.... Anyway, after Monday full-day rest, i expect my legs to be able to cope with gym training and the Friday center training. Friday training before the Sunday tournament is vital as it might be my very last sparring chances before the championship. Until then, i will have to try to improve my speed and offensive moves.... which i thought were bad today when i sparred with my friends.... not at all satisfied with the result. With that result, i might be knocked out again in the first round on this Sunday. Haiz... before that, i better watched out for the Tuesday chemistry common test 3, i can't score low marks this time.... I am really in a isolated and rather desperate situation now.....

Hellish training imminent

Today, i canceled both my morning gym training and the night center training so that i can fully preserved my energy and legs for tomorrow morning light gym training as well as the double taekwondo training for both Saturday and Sunday. This double training comes as a replacement for last week cancellation of class;that week,pro seniors and masters and madams all went to Penang for the National Remaja Championship. So, this week, i guess it will going to get the hell out of us! Me especially, will try to struggle by attending all four training without fail! Just hope that this week, Master Tan will let us spar as much as we can... I really need those sparring experience if i am to really getting the gold medal for sure.... And there isn't much time left, next Sunday will be the day of my year. Ooops... maybe not, ok, it can be the day of my year's runner up then...haha

Happy and historic day

21st of August... I had to remember this day, don't ask me why. There was about thousands of reasons why a guy needs to remember a particular day, and the most common one was... You guess it yourself...haha. I went to gym for a double-session training. One in the morning, another one in the afternoon..... even before the afternoon gym training session, i had a fun time playing badminton with my brother, which eventually i won of course. Haha, missing four day of physical training, i will have to pick myself up in terms of stamina, not forgetting that my championship is on next Sunday. This last-minute training is meant to help me to pick up my stamina as well as increase my kicking strength and speed. In the same time, I am paying close attention to the Olympic taekwondo and Penang National Remaja Sparring Championship-to gain more experience.

Embarrassment

Today i brought my brothers and sister to the club for badminton. When we reached there, there were some people shooting for some sort of drama, of NTV 7, according to my brother. We waited for 20 minutes and after that we started to play. However in one of my effort to save a shot, I kind of overstretched and then... "piak" ...I knew what had just happened... My pants broke underneath and all of the sudden... i felt cool underneath my pants...haha. Well, I tried to cover up and then went back immediately to the car. Along the way, I met some girls...in bikini, shit, damn embarrassing. Normally i would looked at they all, haiz, not this time, and definitely not with this pants. Just hoped that no one saw my pants, if anyone did, just hoped that they thought it as an illusion... or whatever it was. Haiz... what an escape i had to make....and because of this.... I had to skip my gym training.....Pitiful

Farewell...Buddy

Today evening, we planned to have our birthday celebration for Tze Sin, Chung Guan and Chong Tat. Surprisingly, Tze Sin's possible-boyfriend was there too, and thus, completed our group of six including Siok Kim and me. We went to Port Klang to have a seafood dinner. The lala soup wasn't that bad, the unagi fish and the lala fried mee hun were both great as well. Then came our main course-2 plate of crabs and a 0.5kg birthday cake. Omg!!! haha... yeah, that was my first impression when we looked at the dishes and also when we somehow managed to finish the whole meal. Holy crab, i guessed i had grew fatter by few kg just with this dinner alone... with no exercise at all for today... this will be a unhealthy day... However, at least this possibly farewell dinner was a complete one... everyone was here. I thought this might be boring, and that i might not really missed them... I guessed i was wrong after all, i missed them, everyone of them. Not only that, i missed other good friends of 5S3. The normal routines of bbq set up by the 5S3 was always such a sweet and memorable memories. I missed the librarian gang...long time they didn't ask me out d... haha... well the girls might have been busy with their respective high school and college life. Everyone is going on separately, this time... I will not follow other peoples' way. For once i will choose my own path...the path of Adelaide! Whether or not i will meet anyone of my friends there...I do not care....that is me...Chen Caesar! As cold-hearted and hot-headed as ever!!!

Malaysia's Pride still...Chong Wei

Chong Wei just lost in a one-sided match against super Dan. Well, Lin Dan was brilliant for the entire match, and much to the delight of the massive China fans. Chong Wei on the other hand, had been troubled by Dan's lightning smack, unforced error and the pressure of landing Malaysia the first gold medal. I heard a lot of people had cursed and teased Chong Wei's terrible performance in the final, and thought it was too harsh for Chong Wei. He had done so much for Malaysia, when he performed well, everyone seemed to treat him well... And just when he failed rather rarely, the whole Malaysia which suppose to be backing him up, was now very much against him. Pitiful, or actually shameful of Malaysia. I knew the match ended in the most boring and dreadful way for all the Malaysians, and eventually crushed all hope that Chong Wei might landed the first gold medal for Malaysia. Still, considering that Chong Wei managed to equal the best result of Malaysia's achievement in Olympic; it wasn't such a failure after all. It will be a huge betrayal of Malaysians if at this moment, turn their backs against him. And then, there will be worst to come, the end for the Malaysia's badminton single.... Do not forget!!! Chong Wei is up against the best of the best.... He has to face all the best alone, with no help of his teammates to back him up, to clear the path for him; he is always independent, full of courage....and thus, deserved to be congratulate and console no matter what happen......

Secret strike in progress

Preparing for the sparring championship on national day, i had thought of a great kick...actually it was just a normal kick but after looking at some video, i planned to master it before the tournament kick-start. I still doubt the ability of me using it but i will try my best to work on that secret kick and try to aim for higher target as well as making myself kicked quicker. Just hope that i will manage to learn it since it has incredible power and range...that is ... of course, if i do it correctly. Damn, tomorrow is physic exam and i am still struggling with it. Serious speaking, i really hate anything that has to do with math; it gives me headache somehow. Oh ya, after the university placement day on last Saturday, i guess i will most probably going to Adelaide of Australia. Both the university of my interest is there- University of Adelaide and Flinders University. I know most people should know nothing about these 2 university... even i don't know at first. But these 2 are the 8 and 9th best university in Australia, and the environment is quite nice too. Just hope i will be able to get a TER of at least...like 76 so i would not have any trouble entering those university....

Down, up then fall again....

Today, i got a terrible result for math studies... It was like a slap, no no, should be a few thousands of slap on my face! Rejected, I found my way home alone. I walked slowly without any motivation to catch the possible-coming train, paying no attention and was day dreaming. So, i ended up looking at the train passed by in front of me. It was some sort of my scenario.... not working hard and ended up being a trash...again! I went to the Friday training and thought i needed some whack from my seniors as well as Master Tan. I did get some chopping kick on my face and some kick on my wrest pad. Even my left foot had almost bleed and my right foot's thumb ( correct me if i am wrong) also in pain due to a possible twist or maybe fractured bones. The training before the sparring session drained me up quickly and for a moment, i thought i might not be able to continue it. While sparring with 3 black-belt-seniors, it was great but nothing could be better than sparring with my master ( Master Tan ). He was clearly not giving 100%, probably just 50%, but still i got scared and sometimes unable to dodge his kicks; chopping kicks especially. After Master Tan managed to score, I replied with a smile, and tried to reply with an attempt to score right back; though normally fall flat. Still, just fighting with him made me felt so excited that i truly enjoyed every moment of me getting some whack from him. After i fell over as a result of his chopping kick, i stood back right on and continued and fell again... I knew i stood no chance against him, but that didn't matter. The most important thing was that only against all this guys (senior and master) that i can went all out, that i can had fear, that i can fell down, that i had to adjust my head gear after a chopping kick.... in Chung Hwa? Don't ever think about it. They were simply grinning over each other just because any of them can had a clear kick of me once.... They were simply no fun at all compared to the seniors.... I would rather be beaten into pieces and fall and had to find myself to stand back, than to deal with a bunch of... kid!

A Failure....I am

I had no idea why suddenly i am filled with all kinds of sad emotions. Every sad memories crush out of my inner heart.... from deep down of my heart....the darkness....The fearful memories and I hold my tears... I am not crying now.... not until i crush my failures.....myself!!! The time roll back to the way way back, to the moment i was just form 1.... I was forced to transfer to Penang as my father was transferred there. I was powerlessly and helplessly accepted the decision, though i argued that i can lived here alone... I was unable to convince my parents and the moment i walked out of my class...i failed to let them knew about it...and the moment they knew, tears were shed, i could do nothing, nothing really, but comfort them. I cried after i left the school....I was unable to stop them from being sad...total failure. The time dimension move ahead.... It was some period in form 2, i was hurt by a couple-one was my good friend and another was the one i admired back then... I realized that friendship was not something to fully believed it; friends were just some tools. The period of form 2 to form 3, my mum was robbed in front of house. I personally saw it... helpless and powerless i was back then.... Mum and sister screaming for help.... I cried that night of my powerlessness. Form 5, i loss in sparring competition. Failure, failure and yet another failure!!!! I was just a useless piece of shit. Thats why i decided to join taekwondo.... not actually to protect myself... instead my objective was to protect my family, all my loved ones.... And this sparring competition will provide me the perfect stage for me to show that i am no more a failure! I will stand as the winner, at the place i fell humiliatingly last year. I will be cruel, heartless whatever as long as i win it....People can call me as a cheater by trying to cut down weight to compete at a lower category, but that won't stop me still. My will to win the gold medal is now more than anything, and i would do whatever, from training to diet to gym training to cruel bull fighting. I want to pick myself up from the garbage bin....It has been long in there...time to fight back... like a man, no tears don't cry! If want to protect someone, then just protect...get rid of those blocking your way...even throw yourself to the front line....and face it with guts! Fear no one but yourself!!! Kill no one but the enemy!!! When you have complete your task, no one will question you ever again.... and you are then the hero from the zero!!!

Backfired

On Sunday i didn't have the normal breakfast. I thought that since that day i were to weight in for the sparring championship, it was best if i cut down my food and drinks to cut my weight to the lowest possible. It as my title of post suggested... backfired somehow. I only had a roti kosong for the whole breakfast and i did take only 2 cubical small sponge cake before my training. I was suffering in the taekwondo training but i hold on firmly. What made that day totally not worthed it was the fact that i failed to lower my weight, and the worst part of all was i suffered a terrible gastric. Vomit and headache were all i felt that time. Headache was mainly due to the fact that i only had few sips of water i guessed; it couldn't be helped back then. I felt weak and my vision was blurred. And physically as well as mentally, i was very very exhausted and i took a long nap. Still, the whole night i seemed restless and tired. In the end, i could not revise for my math exam on the next day. I would not made it an excuse though, because i knew deep down in my heart, even if i did revise, it just might not worked out. Anyway, i went to school on Monday too, after some long thinking being done; somehow i made that decision. I thought i had fully recovered, wrong wrong... I was still damn tired, probably due to the fact that i had a dreamless night. After i took my lunch, suddenly i felt a sense of sickness. Something seems to roll in my stomach and i felt like... throwing out!!! I managed to find a toilet in the hawker center and vomited in it. I felt better then but it clearly shown that i was still sick and thus would had to watch over what i am going to eat in this next few days.

I'll will find my way

Well, it might be a bit late to comment about Thursday training and Saturday one as well but nevertheless at least i did it in the end. Thursday training surprisingly, had Stars cameraman to take pictures of us. I had no idea at all about it until Master Lim told us about that. The worst part came when my opponent... Calvin, or Kelvin or watever "-vin" la try to chop me and the leg left hanging above my head after i somehow blocked it, or perhaps he just simply let me escape ( the latter seems to be more reasonable i know ). The cameraman took a whole film of pictures at this time and i was thinking "holy shit , this was really embarrassing". Saturday training though, was nothing a threat to me. Ego, wasn't i? I meant that all three opponents really weren't forcing me to fight at all, at least i didn't felt anything.....Wait a minute,... maybe i did felt something... I felt quite easy ^^ haha. Alright, guessed you all will be sick of my arrogant attitude. Fine enough, I guessed i will continued to put on more weight on my legs, somehow i felt my legs were heavier and inflicted more damages to my opponent than before... And somehow i couldn't even had full control on it. Whatever it was, i was rather pleased with my performances of legs after attending more gym exercises. I will add more weight and my target... is that no one can easily survive even they block my kick with their arms.....haha...hope it's possible though. ^^