Another sleepless night

I wonder....How long it takes for me to fall asleep...forever...? I had a memory of me being sent to hospital after A sleepless night...now i have been through just 6 hours of sleep for 3 days...another new record...and 2 sleepless night in 3 days time...and...why am I still blogging here instead of just popping up some white foam and sent to hospital instead...It is now a torture to be at home...or in my room...or go anywhere to shop or watch movie...or even going back to Australia...Love can be a sweet thing when you are in love...but turned into a torturous one if you are not... Everywhere has her shadow...how can I even possibly not thinking of her...The moment i open my laptop pop her face there or open my wallet and there she is or even just scan through my phone...there you have it...I know i can change my all those picture...but i don't want to change it...

She said lets be friend...yet she is ignoring me now like a total stranger...a friend is cruel enough for me...now total ignorance as though I am a stranger...well...what else can i say...

Yesterday I have plenty of durian... Guess what? At night when my dad touched my forehead...he was shocked and scared....He said that I was actually icy cool...sorry...I should say...I am icy cool...Even after having durian...Even after yet another sleepless night which should have makes body feel heaty...I am still icy cool...My body homeostasis must has dyfunctions....

Haha...and even though I am functional enough to still walk and laugh around...I have limit in energy...and lack of power and fitness...I could no longer cope with the taekwondo training even though the Sunday training i thought was rather light...i could no longer have any strength to fight back when I was overpowered by someone in the other night...haha I really couldn't do anything much now...

One thing!!! It is not like I want to torture myself by not sleeping...I want to sleep too...I don't want to worry of myself...I don't want to feel useless of not being able to do things like how i used to...I don't want all my friends to worry about me too...yet...I have no idea of what is going on in my body right now... Sometimes i don't even know what am i doing... I can just be at a spot at a time...and then... poom!!! i am at another spot...almost like a blink of an eye...it is like telepot....being able to perform telepot would be cool...yet i know...this ain't cool at all...I was wondering what was going on...and i know very well what is the best fit conclusion for that...

This is so funny...now i have no interest in most things now...or maybe don't have enough energy or concentration to do those...I have no more energy for gym exercise now....I have no more concentration to play PS2 now...or even if i play...i have to close my eyes now and again....I really hate myself for being a weak person right now... This isn't the image i want to potray despite my appearance...Nevermind that...i want to go brush my teeth and see what i can do later...feeling uncomfortable again...though it is completely normal...for not sleeping entire night...icy cool body...what does that means...does that mean that even my body is giving me indication I should be icy cool? Or that my energy level is so low that cell metabolic rate has gone low...and so release less amount of heat....phew...i can still think scientifically...not bad huh? well...i just hope an icy cool body will indicate that i will have a sleep soon...forever? I don't think so...I am not that person to die after something bad happen...I don't want others to think of me as a weakling... Forever love...?.... I don't even want to think of that anymore... NO MORE... I need to remind myself to BE MYSELF even in a relationship... I have got to be realistic...yea realistic... NO MORE DREAM LAND and....CERTAINLY!!! NO MORE WHAT LALA LAND* ANYMORE!!!


* Lala land is given from my friend- Xue Ni...it means that in another world...mostly used to describe someone who is so happy that he or she is in his or her dreamland...

双子 Gemini

双子孤傲是因为他们自信，双子善变是因为世界在改变，双子没有耐性是因为他们发现了不值得，双子冷漠是因为他们害怕被伤害，双子花心是因为他们没有找到真 爱，双子不在乎是因为你没有看到他们的敏感。

笑
双 子们的笑永远都是最单纯的，无论什么时候你都会看到一直都在笑的双子，因为他们一直都只想把自己的快乐带给别人，却只把悲伤留给自己，你没有看 到过双子的眼泪是因为他从来不会在被人面前哭，当你看到双子的眼泪的时候，那么说明你是真的把他们的真心夺走了，因为双子真的很需要一份值得的依靠，他会 每时每刻的在乎你的一切，他们很敏感的，会跟着你的快乐而快乐，跟着你的忧愁而忧愁，跟着你的改变而改变，但在你面前他们从来都是快乐 的。

爱
一 提到双子的爱，一般人肯定都会说：双子座的人最花心。可是是真的是这样吗？双子和异性的关系好只是因为他们非同一般的亲和力，而双子的真心只有一个，当他 找到的时候，他就会付出自己的 一切让对方得到幸福，他要的不是他自己能和对方在一起，他要的是对方的幸福，和双子在一起会感到很随和，因为他会包容你的一切，你的一切优点和缺点，和双 子在一起绝对不会觉得被锁住，你只要做自己就好，因为双子喜欢的就是真实的你，做作的人根本不会得到双子的心。

坚强
有 人说双子很坚强，什么都不在乎，是阿，表面的双子确实很坚强，但是内心他们比任何人都脆弱，也许这也是风向星座的人的一个特性，决不会让别人看到自己脆弱 的一面，因为他们都是一个有一双别人看不见翅膀的天使，天生就会给别人带来快乐，双子们的眼泪是透明 的，别人看不见，可是自己却能看得很清楚这样的透明的泪给自己开来双倍的痛。

人际
双 子们的人缘很好，因为他们懂得你什么时候需要什么样的帮助，而且双子们会根据不同的人有不同的交往方式，双子很容易相信别人，所以经常会被欺 骗，可是在欺骗后他们仍然会轻轻的笑笑然后说：没关系的，他骗我肯定会有原因。双子从来不会知道后悔是什么，因为他们时时刻刻都在为别人想，总会设身处 地，可是这样别人根本就不知道，就是因为他帮助别人太多了，所以在他需要帮助的时候却总是孤立无援，然后继续的笑着，笑着找到一个角落，留下那颗透明的 泪。

朋友
当双子的朋友真的很幸福哦！因为当你遇到什么困难时，他会比你更着急，甚至会失去自己宝贵的东西也会帮助你，他会带给你快乐帮你分担忧愁，可是你 却看不到他的孤独和无助，当双子看到你不高兴的时候，无论这时他有多么的郁闷，他也会立刻露出最真实的笑容来帮助你。

执着
说 双子善变，那只是片面之词，对于双子真正喜欢的东西，它是会执着的让人害怕的，就是因为内心太像小孩子太单纯，所以对于他们真正喜欢的东西，他 们是根本就不知道放弃是什么的，除非是他们自己发现这个东西不值得，否则他们是绝对不会放弃的，只要是他们肯定的，他们就会有超出别人很多的坚持和执 著。

自尊
双子的自尊很重要，对于他 们最重要的恐怕就是这个了，他们懂得原谅，无数次的去试着原谅，就算别人让自己千疮百孔，他们也会无条件的有自己的宽 容，有自己的原则和原谅，就是因为他们的自尊，他们的自尊心让他们相信这个世界永远都是最美的，因为他们的自尊不允许自己放弃这个世界。

分享
在 双子的世界里没有分享，只有是你的或者是我的，他们不会把一样东西去和别人分享，因为他们认为这样对那样东西是不公平的，因为他在乎每一个人每 一样东西的感觉，只要他认为这件东西是自己可以割舍的，他绝对会无条件的退出，去成全别人，对于欺骗过他们的恋人，他会选择原谅，但绝对不会再和他们在一 起，因为他懂得这样不值得。

双子座的人真的很可爱，真的很需要人的保护和安慰，他们不会放弃世界，却会放弃自己，去成全别人，他们懂得原 谅和理解，无论这一秒他有多讨厌一个 人，下一秒看到那个人脆弱的一面，他还是会去无条件地帮助他，真的很傻吧？但是傻的好可爱，好让人心疼，痛过以后，他们依然会笑着面对以后未知的路，继续 原谅，继续理解，继续快乐，继续的傻着，改变双子真的很难吧？因为他们的心都是金刚石作的，但不是说他们无情，他们的执着只是针对自己的，那么孤傲的一个 人，也只是针对自己，因为他们不知道怎么表达自己的内心，所以他们选择了沉默。

很想说 I want to say....

woo~ you are so beautiful to me
在午夜里你永远最美
连你一个微笑也都会让我醉
你所谓的幸福我想给
以为手不放开就是痴心绝对太愚昧
难道笑容没了距离有了快乐也走了
还是真心死了彼此不信任了
终于懂了真的
很想说有你是幸福的
很想说我的心是你的
很想说你真的误解了
很想说你真的忘记了 my love
笑容没了距离有了快乐也走了
还是真心死了彼此不信任了
终于懂了(终于懂了)真的(真的)
很想说有你是幸福的
很想说我的心是你的(是你的)
很想说你真的误解了
很想说你真的忘记了(忘记了)
很想说会好好疼你的
很想说爱你是自由的
很想说你是否听见了
很想说你真的忘记了
爱了就有坚持理由(就有坚持理由)
别说我会留在路口不会走 ho woo (爱你会直到最后)
很想说有你是幸福的
很想说我的心是你的(hey aaa)
很想说你真的误解了(八八)
很想说你真的忘记了(阿 ha)
很想说会好好疼你的
很想说爱你是自由的(八八)
很想说你是否听见了
很想说我们可不可以复合

I read back all those email we had... There was one when you said that I am very good in choosing the correct song...melody when combined lyrics plus the feelings...is a very powerful weapon...I don't want to lose you...and now...I will be trying everything to hold you back...Please...back to me...

Translation....
You are so beautiful to me...
In the day or night...you are always so beautiful...
Your smile can cheer me up...can drive me crazy...
I want to give you the happiness you want
Letting you leave is my worst mistake...
So now...no more smile between us? There starting to have space in between...we have start to not feeling happy anymore?
Or is it that we just can't trust each other anymore?
I have finally understand...

I want to say that having you in my life is my happiest moment...
I want to say that my heart belongs to you...
I want to say that you have misunderstand me...
I want to say that you have forget... my love
I want to say that i will care you more and more...
I want to say that my love to you is true from the bottom of my heart...
I want to say...'Did you hear what i say?'
I want to say that you have forgotten our love...

Once one love there will try to stick to each other till very end...
Don't say that that you will wait me at the junction...I WILL LOVE YOU TILL VERY END!!!

I want to say... ' Can we back together again...?'

Heart Broken...

It is just a dream...It is just a dream... I am reading all the email we had throughout this 5 months... It can't be...all in a sudden everything has gone...I have lose my love...what remains is just the past memories...how it comes to this...I am totally lost...

Deja vu

Haha......we broke up.... Everything is gone...yet...i feel heart pain...but...could not utter a word...I try to scream...but sound refuse to come out...I just feel empty. All in a sudden...I have lose her...i am really angry of myself...I know that it is because of myself that i lose her...i hate myself... Yet...i really do hope this is just a dream...NO...not a dream...should be a nightmare... Back to reality...it is not a dream or a nightmare...it is life...

Thinking back of our memories....it was so sweet...so sweet that i keep missing them...To be honest...Is coming back to Malaysia a wrong move? Well...i guess so...I really really miss her...yet...because of me missing her too much...it causes me to lose her....how irony...

After this 5 months...i can't believe that we actually break up while I am back... Even though i had a similar nightmare before...I truly miss her...but what i can do? I was driving home halfway before i made a U-turn to make a last effort to keep her with me...it all lost...I fail to keep her still...

Why you leave me...? She said,..... Those words keep ringing in my mind...Of course...i keep thinking about it...but why? Why don't just give me a second chance? Well...study...I know i have to respect your decision...i tried all I can to change it...It all fail...

Now...i just want to have a rest... I want to really think of what is my life... At first...Everything in my lives...surrounds her...but now that the core has gone...I need to find myself a new objective... Just like how MU lose Christiano Ronaldo... the team will have to rebuild...so do I.

Let bygone be bygone...sometimes it is much easier said than done... For what i have done for her...I have done it...I personally try to give her so much...but i ended up neglecting other part...and i don't get a second chance to make up for it...I just feel robbed...

Anyway...I understand i have lose her...She has get herself freedom now...no more restriction from me... she can mix with all her friend without worries now...she can enjoy her lives now... for me? It is all too sudden...I still need to adapt... I hope i can still care about her...and i hope she still allow me to care... I hope she won't just kick me out of her lives so quickly... after all...she has started to hide her feeling for few weeks now...while I am still trying my best to comfort her... I knew it...yet I just hope i was wrong...

Everything...happens just like deja vu....

Blank...

looking at the laptop....my mind is full of the past memories...

5 months anniversary!!!!

I am writing this post on 18th of June....thursday...and the day before melissa and me 5 month anniversary ;) Time past so soon...I remember the day when i left which was the Valentine Day...5 months ago...and now...I am about to be back soon!!!!

To be honest, I am very glad we could sustain our long distance relationship...I knew she should be a very loyal girlfriend...still how much hope can i place on her back then just months after my breakup? Thus, I am really delighted...5 months long distance relationship isn't easy...In the first 2 months, she got jealous all over Ivy,who was my cooking partner....the 3rd week,we were in a peaceful month with her trusting me that Ivy is just friend....and that i wasn't flirting around with any girl...zzz...After that, the 4th and now 5th month....It was my turn to got jealous...over the guys that were around her all the times...

When she is jealous last time...haha I did a great job explaining and trying to comfort her...resulting to a much lengthy 2 hours chat almost everyday wakaka!!! joking la...that time we were chatting so long because she was very free....hehe....She is great too...even though I am such a jealousy freak...she never complain much whenever i sulking and letting the jealousy have a control over me...in fact, she just take it that i do care about her... Me? of course, have constantly trying to fight off the jealousy... so it is not like i am still as easily jealous as i am last time...

Nevertheless...I do hope that...she will keep her heart solely for me and her parents... I really don't want to lose her...and I will try my best to keep her with me... Long distance relationship isn't simple and easy...yet i truly believe that as long as we both have faith, keep loving each other...and holding on to each other...nothing can split us apart...

So i hope what i am going to say now...can be said again in the future...countless times....

I LOVE YOU DEAR

Birthday

Oooo....my birthday? Oh yea  which day? Monday...i see...this is the reaction i had when Chai Yun's boyfriend talk about my birthday... How sucks can it be... Having my birthday in exam period... Not that i don't need to study...I have exams tomorrow... Then....those persons that i have been celebrating my birthday with all the time...are not around me... THEN!!!! the person i hope to have beside me...isn't here as well...So yea...I could say...this is a really weird birthday...and i really feel empty.

I read about Paula's personal message....If only i have 3 wishes...I will not ask for 3...if only i can have just one....One is more than enough...I will hope that i can live a happy lives...with my parents, dear and best friends around me all the time...I am jealous easily....I hate it when everyone of form 5 has a chance to go to gathering in Bukit Tinggi 2....and not me...I hate it...when everyone of United Taekwondo can has a chance to go training all the time... I hate it when everyone can has the chance to meet their parents whenever they like... I hate it when i have to pay so much for a karaoke here and it reminded me of my best birthday surprise which happened in karaoke...I miss it...I miss it all.... So...what would i have ask more? Every little thing just bring back memory...i know i have said that...perhaps i will migrate here to Australia...and never look back... It is true that Msia is full of sad memories...but i has not realize that there are so many memories in that place that i treasure so much... It is just that...sometimes because you can do it so often...you don't treasure it.

Erm...I think it is better i have been a little more cheerful....It is my birthday anyway.... I am very happy when Melissa call me exactly at 12 yesterday night and wished me happy birthday..hehe i really thought she forgotten... but oh well...luckily she remembered wakakaka!!! ;) and now days after days...I have been more and more excited about the prospect of me finally.....LEAVING AUSTRALIA AND BACK MALAYSIA!!! I can't wait...i can hardly hold back myself.... I am emotionally waiting for this day for so so so so so long!!!! As that day is drawing close...I just sometimes feels like screaming out....4 months long....it has been a tough journey for me....and i can't wait to just finish off the exams and be back... And please...i hope...nothing goes wrong that day....It will really be a big blow if anything stop me from going back... and so...forget about the wish that i want to live happily with everyone...for now...just gives me a simple air ticket back home....safely and disease free....this is my only birthday wish...

I am...really tired

Haiz...i just finish some of my reading of my biology...really really freaking tired... This is freaking hell...Study from morning till night...This is crazy!!! I am not living a lives like this...this is a super boring and tiring lives!!! It is even tiring than going for taekwondo classes...zzz sometimes i really wonder how those scholars can actually study all the times...I salute them...but i think even if it is just studying all the times...that is not exactly what lives should be... i will say that i have lives a relatively boring lives...but at least i am having some sports which i love a lots...ever since i been here...I have been splited apart from all kind of sports...splited apart from my family...and my loved one...T.T With my birthday coming close...not that i realise it until someone mentioned about it today's morning...I wasn't really excited or even looking forward to it... For me it is just another day... How worse can it be? A day before my biology exam... I don't even think i have any feeling to celebrate my birthday... lets be realistic... For me now...I just want some rest...and i want to go back home...perhaps that is the sole reason i am looking into my birthday... Going back to Malaysia...that is my second best present of all... Second? How about the first? Well...I guess it will goes to Melissa's present...hehe just hope it really is what i expect... hehe...that is the reason i am still working so hard despite all the stress... uni lives... is just bipolar....relax at first...STRESS you in the end!!!

Grueling week coming up...

Haiz...starting next week i will have a really tiring and exhausted week... This is bad... now i practically study as much as i can to prepare for the exam...ARGHHH!!! This is just so stress...but i guess i have to cope with it...Everyone is having the same pressure for exam...SO!!! NO COMPLAIN!!! Time is really winding down... I am closer and closer towards the trip back to Malaysia...Now it is less than a month of countdown already...I can't wait!!! TO RELAX!!! meet up friends, go back home and stay with parents and of course be at the side of Melissa... I miss everyone so much... I'm tired... Tired of working and study at the same time... Tired of having to study at a range of 5 to 10 hours a day in Fenner (my accommodation)...who ever that knows me well...should be surprise by my hours of study recently.... I mean this is great pressure... to force me to study this much....but think back about it...back in SPM and college...probably i have been study this much as well... The difference is I am now in university, course much harder... The similarity is? I have been relaxing the whole semester...and i have been on the other end of relaxing at the end of the semester... This is....the pattern of Caesar's study hours....